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Cam on the Sights and Sounds of a Bahamas Beach Resort

On this week’s Keepin’ It Real, Cam has returned from a trip to a beach resort and shares a little of what he noticed and little of what he couldn’t get away from that was just too much.

My wife and I spent four nights at a Bahamas resort on a business trip, and here are my observations. Here’s what I saw.

First, I remember hearing that most traffic accidents happen within five miles of the driver’s home. Seems inverse of what you’d expect. The reason: When you’re driving through your home territory, you’re so familiar with the roads, the traffic, the scenery and such that you let your guard down. The familiarity and the routine make you vulnerable to carelessness. When you’re out of your home territory, you slow down, take notice of what’s around you and are cautious.

The same can be applied to people at a vacation resort. We were all strangers in an unfamiliar place, carefully navigating around each other in sometimes tight quarters and sometimes long lines like drivers navigating unfamiliar roads. We were all polite and accommodating. Everyone was on their best behavior.

And the resort was huge – 2500 rooms – on 1000 acres fronting the beach. It was more Six Flags amusement park than a beachfront resort. There was a water park, and there were one million places to get overpriced food and two million places to get a very overpriced drink.

We heard at least five different languages. We saw lots of what I think were Orthodox Jews – it’s not something we see a lot in south Alabama, so I’m not sure – and quite a few people dressed in what I think was Muslim attire. There were same-sex couples of all ages and mixed-race couples of all ages. There were people dressed luxuriously as they walked through the huge casino, and some dressed like they lived under a bridge. However, for the most part, there were no sideways glances, no looks up and down, just lots of acceptance, space, and privacy in close quarters. It was nice. However, there was one notable exception.

The one thing my wife and I saw way too much of was very, very small bikini bottoms. Actually, the reverse is true. We saw very little of the bikini bottom, it being so small, and a whole lot of what the bikini bottom was not covering. Bottoms were everywhere. Call me a prude. Call me whatever you want, but it was way too much. Many of those displaying were young girls, and I felt awkward being around it, but there was no escaping it. If I looked towards the ocean, they walked in front of me. As I stood in line for a towel, there they were. At the pool, at the poolside restaurant. They were even walking inside through the casino late in the day. Bottoms, lots and lots of bottoms.

It appears, with the way things are going, many of the women at that resort will soon be emulating the same bikini bottom Eve wore in the Garden of Eden. The majority of them were most of the way there and, well, I wish they weren’t. This old fuddy duddy wanted to say, “Pardon me, miss. At the risk of being rude, I don’t care what the fashion trends are, do yourself and the rest of us a favor and please put on some pants.”

I’m Cam Marston, and I’m just trying to Keep it Real.

Cam Marston is the Keepin' It Real host for Alabama Public Radio.