Sandwich Monday: The (Knockoff) Cronut

By Ian Chillag

Published July 8, 2013 at 2:03 PM CDT

By now, you've probably heard of cronuts, the half-doughnut, half-croissant pastry equivalent of a liger. They're so coveted, people line up for hours at the Dominique Ansel bakery in New York, where they're made, or they pay exorbitant sums on the cronut black market. Here in Chicago, where everything is better, more beautiful and easier, we just get knockoff "Doughssants" from the West Town Bakery.

Eva: The cronut is only half sophisticated and chic. The other half is loud and wears white socks.

Peter: Who wanted this in the first place? Who bought a croissant and said, 'Dammit, this needs frosting'?

Ian: Me. I did. I actually remember doing that once.

Peter uses Punnett Squares to explain to the rest of the staff how doughssants are made.

Peter: The croissant was baked first to celebrate Vienna's victory over the Ottomans. The doughssant was baked to commemorate the victory of diabetes over all of us.

Robert: I know everything with a French name is supposed to be fancy, but this tastes like it came from Le Farme Pepperáge.

Miles: The water required to make each cronut is gleaned directly from the tears of every French pastry chef ever.

Ian: I hate knockoffs, but it is nice I could fit 10 of these in the genuine Birkin bag I got for eight bucks in Chinatown.

A bird's-eye view, taken by our new Sandwich Monday mascot, Eatey the Diabetic Eagle.

Ian: I love black market foods. And these are way tastier than that pair of human lungs we got that one time.

Miles: As portmanteau-based foods go, this is certainly more successful than Marzipanchovies.

Eva: Does anyone know where I can get some doughssant holes? Or Ssnatch'kins?

Upon eating the hybrid cronut for the first time, Ian experiences a hybrid emotion known as Hapgret.

Ian: The greatest croissant hybrid is still the Croissanwich from Burger King. Or maybe the Croisstaur, the half-croissant, half-horse.

Eva: But as hybrids go, it is tastier, and cheaper, than a Prius.

Peter: I dunno, have you tried the Chocolate Prius?

A rarely seen look of disapproval on Robert's face. It went away after his next bite.

Mike: This is lighter and flakier than a Raspberry Cro-Magnon. And not as hairy.

Ian: I don't know what the big deal is. Back in West Virginia, we ate crow nuts all the time.

[The verdict: delicious. It's disappointing they didn't come in the doughnut shape, but maybe that's what keeps them from getting sued. Apparently knockoffs are springing up around the country — just Google "doughssant" or "cronut" and the name of your town.]

Sandwich Monday is a satirical feature from the humorists at Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me.