OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST:
Moving on, here are our next two contestants. We have Eric Linn and Chuck Petruccione.
(APPLAUSE)
EISENBERG: We are very happy to have you. Let me ask you this, Eric, how do you feel about the band Queen?
ERIC LINN: They're the king.
EISENBERG: Good answer.
JONATHAN COULTON: Nice.
EISENBERG: I like the way you think. Chuck, how do you feel about the song "We Will Rock You?"
CHUCK PETRUCCIONE: What a great song they had there, Queen.
EISENBERG: Yeah.
PETRUCCIONE: "We Will Rock You." Yes. They rocked me.
EISENBERG: Did they rock you? Well, you're about to be rocked, and we hope the listeners at home especially love it, because after this next game, you won't be able to get it out of your head for at least a week. Apologies in advance. Jonathan, are you ready?
COULTON: I believe I am. For this number, I'm going to need some assistance from the studio audience. So if you could provide the foot stamping and clapping.
(SOUNDBITE OF STOMPING)
COULTON: Just hold on.
(LAUGHTER)
JOHN CHANESKI: Maybe we should get somebody else.
COULTON: I know.
EISENBERG: Not just random foot stomping.
COULTON: It's very exciting. Not just shuffling noisy stomping and clapping, we're looking for a very specific stomp, stomp, clap that is in the song. If you are listening at home and you're in your kitchen, feel free to stomp along. If you are listening in the car, I would not recommend stomping your feet.
(LAUGHTER)
COULTON: The way this is going to work is I'm going to sing "We Will Rock You" with some reworked lyrics, and embedded in those lyrics are clues about a famous rock.
(LAUGHTER)
COULTON: There are only a few of them in the world but they are famous rocks.
(LAUGHTER)
EISENBERG: There's seven, as it turns out.
COULTON: Yes, that's right.
EISENBERG: There are seven.
COULTON: So ring in after the last line and tell us which rock we are talking about. Are you ready?
LINN: Yes.
(APPLAUSE)
EISENBERG: Eric and Chuck look so serious right now.
(LAUGHTER)
COULTON: It's a serious business. This is Queen.
EISENBERG: I understand. This is Queen.
COULTON: Okay, you ready audience?
(SOUNDBITE OF STOMPING AND CLAPPING)
(SOUNDBITE OF SINGING)
COULTON: Buddy, you're a block in a castle, sitting on a wall in the sound end of Ireland. You get kissed on your face, you big disgrace, spreading that gab all over the place.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
PETRUCCIONE: Blarney.
COULTON: That is correct. Well...
(APPLAUSE)
EISENBERG: Yep.
PETRUCCIONE: Oh, stone.
COULTON: Blarney Stone.
EISENBERG: There you go.
COULTON: Yes. I knew you were talking about a kind of rock because otherwise...
EISENBERG: Blarney Rock.
COULTON: Oh, boy.
(SOUNDBITE OF STOMPING AND CLAPPING)
(SOUNDBITE OF SINGING)
COULTON: Buddy, you're a rock in the northeast, by the rough seaside, named for an English town. Got a year on your face, you big disgrace, pilgrims settled right next to your face.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
EISENBERG: Chuck?
PETRUCCIONE: Plymouth Rock.
(APPLAUSE)
EISENBERG: You got it.
COULTON: I just want to point out that all of the rocks in this game are a big disgrace.
EISENBERG: They are, really.
(LAUGHTER)
EISENBERG: They're disgusting.
COULTON: They're disgusting rocks. Shame on them.
(SOUNDBITE OF STOMPING AND CLAPPING)
(SOUNDBITE OF SINGING)
COULTON: Buddy, you're an old stone, Blackstone found you in Egypt and you shook up the world that day. Hieroglyphs on your face, you big disgrace, used by linguists all over the place.
(LAUGHTER)
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
PETRUCCIONE: The Rosetta Stone.
EISENBERG: That's right.
(APPLAUSE)
LINN: We both had it on the tip of our tongues.
COULTON: I could see you guys struggling. You were both thrashing around like you knew it.
(LAUGHTER)
EISENBERG: Eric, I thought you were going to punch him or something.
(LAUGHTER)
(SOUNDBITE OF STOMPING AND CLAPPING)
(SOUNDBITE OF SINGING)
COULTON: Buddy, you're a big group of boulders, standing in the round, about 50 centuries old. The sun pokes through your space, you big disgrace, druids run around you looking for mates.
(LAUGHTER)
COULTON: Not an actual rhyme at the end there.
PETRUCCIONE: I'm blanking.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
EISENBERG: Eric?
LINN: Stonehenge.
EISENBERG: Yes.
(APPLAUSE)
(SOUNDBITE OF STOMPING AND CLAPPING)
(SOUNDBITE OF SINGING)
COULTON: Buddy, you're a rock in black hills, carved with dynamite and you're in a famous Hitchcock scene. Four guys on your face, you big disgrace, I guess South Dakota's not such a dull place.
(LAUGHTER)
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
EISENBERG: Eric?
LINN: Mount Rushmore.
EISENBERG: That is correct.
(APPLAUSE)
(SOUNDBITE OF STOMPING AND CLAPPING)
(SOUNDBITE OF SINGING)
COULTON: Buddy, you're a rock, a funny rock playing "SNL," going to be a big star someday. Hold a mike to your face, you big disgrace, doing your standup all over the place.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
COULTON: It was Eric.
PETRUCCIONE: I got the double buzz.
EISENBERG: Yeah, Chuck.
PETRUCCIONE: Chris Rock.
COULTON: Chris Rock is right.
(APPLAUSE)
COULTON: We have a tie.
(APPLAUSE)
COULTON: That means we go the tiebreaker and that's me. Here we go. Answer this question. Queen Elizabeth II has a very expensive set of rocks called the Crown Jewels. In what notorious British fortress are the Crown Jewels kept for safekeeping?
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
COULTON: Eric?
LINN: Tower of London.
COULTON: Tower of London is correct.
(APPLAUSE)
EISENBERG: All right, just by a hair, Eric, you will be moving on to our final round at the end of the show. Thank you so much. You guys were fantastic.
(APPLAUSE)
EISENBERG: And how about another hand for Jonathan Coulton, bringing us the rocking of rocks.
(APPLAUSE)
COULTON: Thank you.
EISENBERG: Jonathan, do you have a song for our winner?
COULTON: I do. This is a song for our winner and, indeed, for all winners everywhere.
(SOUNDBITE OF SINGING)
COULTON: I've paid my dues, time after time. I've done my sentence, but committed no crime. Bad mistakes, I've made a few. I've had my share of sand kicked in my face, but I've come through. We are the champions, my friend. We'll keep on fighting until the end. We are the champions. We are the champions. No time for losers because we are the champions.
(APPLAUSE) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.