You can't say we didn't try.
Joke "candidate" Deez Nuts has captivated Washington's attention this week, and we wanted to make sure we had some hot content on the freshest face in the 2016 field. But thoughtful takes don't write themselves. For what it's worth, here's a complete listing of our attempts:
1. Welcome to silly season
Abandoned lede: "It's August. Congress members have gone home, President Obama is on vacation, and the presidential candidates have been wandering the Iowa State Fair. Months away from primary action and hungry for stories, political reporters have finally found a narrative to latch on to: Deez Nuts."
2. Is the election spoilable?
"After the first GOP debate, everyone was abuzz about the possibility that Donald Trump could run a third-party campaign for the presidency. Well, a new independent candidate has emerged: Deez Nuts. In a hypothetical three-way matchup, the candidate is running at 9 percent in North Carolina, according to Public Policy Polling, compared with Hillary Clinton's 38 percent and Donald Trump's 40 percent. But if he dropped out, who would get that 9 percent? Could Mr. Nuts be this cycle's Nader?"
3. The patriarchy lives on
"Men have controlled the White House for centuries. And even when it comes to the joke candidates, men continue to reign. Consider that the nation's attention is currently captivated by a joke candidate whose name is literally synonymous with male genitalia. Where's the female-themed humor? I'm not even joking. This really bugs me."
3.5. Several abandoned attempts at a female-themed joke candidate name
4. The president we can have a beer with
"Political science tells us that people vote based on a lot of factors: policy stances, a candidate's attractiveness, even the weather. But another question pops up again and again during presidential elections: Which candidate would you like to have a beer with? Unfortunately for upstart candidate Deez Nuts, aka Iowa 15-year-old Brady Olson, he's not even old enough to have a beer.
"Wait. He's not even old enough to run? Why am I writing this story again? What am I doing with my life?"
5. Literally anything that can get a respected NPR voice like, say, Ron Elving, to solemnly analyze "Deez Nuts" on air
(Admit it. You want to hear it, too.)
6. Something about the potential for family dynasties in the presidency, a la Bushes and Clintons?
This one admittedly isn't very fully formed, but it allows us to make lots of juvenile jokes (i.e., is his brother "Doze Nuts"?).
7. Maybe he could run for VP with NPR guest Pete Schweddy.
... thus allowing us to sell "Schweddy-Nuts 2016" bumper stickers in the NPR gift shop.
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