Arts & Life

Miss Universe's National Costume Show Raids International Feather Supply

By Linda Holmes

Published November 6, 2013 at 8:46 AM CST

1 of 21 — This photo of Brenda Gonzalez, Miss Argentina, is my prototype national costume. If you grew up wanting to be Miss Universe, this is why. Feathers, metallic bustier: this is it.

This photo of Brenda Gonzalez, Miss Argentina, is my prototype national costume. If you grew up wanting to be Miss Universe, this is why. Feathers, metallic bustier: this is it.

2 of 21 — This is the other way to go. Doris Hofmann, Miss Austria, looks a little bit like, "Is this what you want? Well, IS IT?"

This is the other way to go. Doris Hofmann, Miss Austria, looks a little bit like, "Is this what you want? Well, IS IT?"

3 of 21 — "Bahamas, woooo! Check me out, milkmaids!" Lexi Wilson does her thing.

"Bahamas, woooo! Check me out, milkmaids!" Lexi Wilson does her thing.

Noémie Happart of Belgium can use this outfit again when she plays the devil in <em>Sexy Faust</em>.

4 of 21 — Noémie Happart of Belgium can use this outfit again when she plays the devil in Sexy Faust.

Noémie Happart of Belgium can use this outfit again when she plays the devil in Sexy Faust.

5 of 21 — Alexia Viruez, Miss Bolivia, uses visual aids to explain the plot of her upcoming film about Darth Vader's brother Goldie.

Alexia Viruez, Miss Bolivia, uses visual aids to explain the plot of her upcoming film about Darth Vader's brother Goldie.

6 of 21 — Decent self still in possession of humanity: "Tsaone Macheng, Miss Botswana, is completely adorable and appropriate and actually doesn't look like a nut." Mean self that has seen too many costume photos: "Casual Corner is a country?"

Decent self still in possession of humanity: "Tsaone Macheng, Miss Botswana, is completely adorable and appropriate and actually doesn't look like a nut." Mean self that has seen too many costume photos: "Casual Corner is a country?"

7 of 21 — So yeah, this is the Brazil situation. (Miss Brazil: Jakelyne Oliveira)

So yeah, this is the Brazil situation. (Miss Brazil: Jakelyne Oliveira)

8 of 21 — "Sharie de Castro, ladies and gentlemen, Miss British Virgin Islands! Isn't she beautiful? You'd never guess she got here in a Ford Focus."

"Sharie de Castro, ladies and gentlemen, Miss British Virgin Islands! Isn't she beautiful? You'd never guess she got here in a Ford Focus."

9 of 21 — "Canada is out of ideas. Canada forfeits." (Miss Canada: Riza Santos)

"Canada is out of ideas. Canada forfeits." (Miss Canada: Riza Santos)

10 of 21 — It only made sense to take advantage of the opportunities presented by the Great Flamingo Cull. (Miss Costa Rica: Fabiana Granados)

It only made sense to take advantage of the opportunities presented by the Great Flamingo Cull. (Miss Costa Rica: Fabiana Granados)

Eline de Pool, Miss Curacao 2013, clearly grew up reading the Dr. Seuss book <em>There's A Lizard Crawling Up My Gizzard</em>.

11 of 21 — Eline de Pool, Miss Curacao 2013, clearly grew up reading the Dr. Seuss book There's A Lizard Crawling Up My Gizzard.

Eline de Pool, Miss Curacao 2013, clearly grew up reading the Dr. Seuss book There's A Lizard Crawling Up My Gizzard.

I am not kidding when I say I'm pretty sure Sandra Bullock wore this in <em>Miss Congeniality</em>. (Miss Czech Republic: Gabriela Kratochvílova)

12 of 21 — I am not kidding when I say I'm pretty sure Sandra Bullock wore this in Miss Congeniality. (Miss Czech Republic: Gabriela Kratochvílova)

I am not kidding when I say I'm pretty sure Sandra Bullock wore this in Miss Congeniality. (Miss Czech Republic: Gabriela Kratochvílova)

She cannot <em>believe</em> Captain von Trapp is marrying that nun. (Miss Estonia: Kristina Karjalainen)

13 of 21 — She cannot believe Captain von Trapp is marrying that nun. (Miss Estonia: Kristina Karjalainen)

She cannot believe Captain von Trapp is marrying that nun. (Miss Estonia: Kristina Karjalainen)

14 of 21 — Might have gone a little bit literal, there, France. (Miss France: Hinarani de Longeaux)

Might have gone a little bit literal, there, France. (Miss France: Hinarani de Longeaux)

15 of 21 — Maybe not literal enough, there, Germany. (Miss Germany: Anne Julia Hagen)

Maybe not literal enough, there, Germany. (Miss Germany: Anne Julia Hagen)

16 of 21 — Amy Willerton, Miss Great Britain, salutes the crown and also her great nation's glorious tradition of baby-doll thigh-highs.

Amy Willerton, Miss Great Britain, salutes the crown and also her great nation's glorious tradition of baby-doll thigh-highs.

17 of 21 — Ah, Jamaica. Where the drinks are delicious, the beaches are gorgeous, and The Brady Bunch's variety show is still in reruns, apparently. (Miss Jamaica: Kerrie Baylis)

Ah, Jamaica. Where the drinks are delicious, the beaches are gorgeous, and The Brady Bunch's variety show is still in reruns, apparently. (Miss Jamaica: Kerrie Baylis)

18 of 21 — "If you still don't believe Mauritius has the biggest mai tais in the world, ask me where I got this." (Miss Mauritius: Diya Beeltah)

"If you still don't believe Mauritius has the biggest mai tais in the world, ask me where I got this." (Miss Mauritius: Diya Beeltah)

19 of 21 — "Hola, amateurs." (Miss Mexico: Cynthia Duque)

"Hola, amateurs." (Miss Mexico: Cynthia Duque)

20 of 21 — I just want you to pause and appreciate that she is wearing what appears to be a velvet jumpsuit with a standing Elvis cape made of buildings, a windmill and a bicycle on her head, and tulips on her pants. (Miss Netherlands: Stephanie Tency)

I just want you to pause and appreciate that she is wearing what appears to be a velvet jumpsuit with a standing Elvis cape made of buildings, a windmill and a bicycle on her head, and tulips on her pants. (Miss Netherlands: Stephanie Tency)

21 of 21 — Uh-huh. This is us. Right here in the old US of A, where we have a long patriotic tradition of light-up robot toys and stealing Elton John's shoes. (Miss USA: Erin Brady)

Uh-huh. This is us. Right here in the old US of A, where we have a long patriotic tradition of light-up robot toys and stealing Elton John's shoes. (Miss USA: Erin Brady)

Two years back, we noted that Miss USA's costume at the Miss Universe National Costume Show was a mashup of tradition and vulgarity: "like crossing the Delaware to go to Hooters."

This year's costume show was Sunday night, and like the entire Miss Universe bash this year, it was in Russia. The U.S. broadcast, we should note, will not be hosted by Bravo's Andy "A Man, A Tan, A Cabal" Cohen, because he thinks that as a gay man, showing up in a country where he might be arrested isn't a great idea either practically or in principle. (In all seriousness, it's worth reading Cohen's thoughts on this.)

But the show did go on, and the costumes did take the stage, and we simply had to ask: How did Miss USA do this year? We take a tour of the show, and can guarantee you that all facts and quotes found in our captions have been checked to ensure that they are not true at all.