A friend told me that every day waiting for us at the foot of our bed is sloth and fear. Our eyes open, our brain turns on, and sloth and fear are right there on the bed, waiting. Our first challenge every day is to get past them, and she’s not wrong.
Sloth and fear work together. They’re different mental states, but they support each other. I’m afraid of what might happen today or sometime in the future, so I won’t move, I’ll stay right here in bed. “It’s predictable here,” we say, and the longer I stay here, the more afraid I become of what may happen. Sloth and fear: We try to leave them behind, but they’re never far.
Sloth is not as much my problem as is fear. For twenty plus years, I’ve been a small business owner, and when I began my work many many years ago, I assumed that at some point the business will become automatic, and at some point, it will run on momentum, and at some point I won’t have to worry about where the next client, the next bit of revenue, will come from. Well, it’s been twenty plus years, and I worry about it every single day, even on weekends. I didn’t know it at the time, but it’s what I signed up for, and the temptation to call it quits and find a job is always there. Give it to someone else to worry about where the customers will come from. Let someone else worry about revenue and pay estimated taxes and make payroll and all that. The idea has a strong appeal. However, I know deep down inside that I’d be miserable. I’d want to make my own decisions, chart my own course, take the calculated risks I deem appropriate to grow the company. I don’t do well working for others, and I have a number of former employers who would nod enthusiastically in agreement. A vendor? A contractor? A consultant? Yes, I’m very good in those roles. An employee? Not good at all.
But I sure wish I could get the fear to go away. It’s the worry over uncertainty. My wife always reminds me that every year I have the same concerns, and every year everything’s worked out. My response is always the same – Yeah, but that was last year. Just because good things have happened in the past doesn’t mean they’ll happen again now or in the future. So, I worry. It’s worse some days than others.
A quick Google search says there are 365 instances in the Bible where the message is to not be afraid. I guess God knew it would need repeating, but saying that I shouldn’t be afraid or worry and not being afraid or worried are very different. Even the Buddha says that the path to enlightenment will leave all fear behind. Sure sounds nice. Maybe it’s all something I should look into… if I can just muster the courage to get out of bed.
I’m Cam Marston, and I’m just trying to keep it real.
