Well, I was reminded about fear on Saturday, and strangely, it was exactly what I had hoped for. Last July, I decided it was time to test myself. I had been comfortable for too long. It was time to be afraid again. Not the fear that comes from danger and helplessness or the fear of someone saying "boo," but the fear that comes from having to gather your wits and the strength to get yourself out of a tough situation. In my experience, that's the fear that makes you feel more alive.
So, I decided to attempt paddling on a stand-up paddle board the full way across Mobile Bay, just me, all by myself on the open water. I have a sort of phobia about being in the open water. It's not a crippling phobia, but it's there. At night in bed, when I thought about paddling alone across the bay, that fear of being alone in the middle of the water on my board kept me from getting to sleep. I'd have to face this fear head on to meet my goal. I calculated that the crossing should take me about four hours. The bay is just shy of 11 miles wide where I wanted to cross. I set about training with the goal of being able to paddle a solid three hours, hoping that the adrenaline during the crossing would give me the additional hour I needed to complete it.
What started last July came to fruition this past Saturday. The weather was good but not great. When I pushed away from the shore just north of the mouth of dog River, the wind was blowing out of the north about 11 miles an hour to head east towards my target, I had to paddle hard northeast and get blown south. Two hours after starting, I was in the middle of the bay, struggling to keep my mind from ambushing me. I was in the open water. There was no one anywhere near me, and if I needed help, I'd have to call on my cell phone for someone to launch their boat and come find me. Fear was percolating. I was no longer facing it. I was in it. My estimate of four hours was badly off, perhaps due to not factoring the crosswind into my training. My arms ached, my legs were trembling with fatigue, and my right lat was seizing into cramps. The eastern shore of Mobile Bay didn't seem to be getting any closer. I was focusing on keeping my thoughts from getting out of control and finding the energy for another stroke and then another and then another.
Five hours and 20 minutes after launching, I touched the eastern shore of Mobile Bay. I was exhausted and could only sit for 20 minutes before attempting to stand. I made it, though. I did it. Every so often, it's important to remind yourself that you can do hard things, that you can face fear and get through it, and to know you have completed something that you will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever try to do again.
I'm Cam Marston, just trying to keep it real for.
